I said yes to myself and its uncomfortable but I'm rolling with it!
Lately I've been learning about how addiction affects the body - and how our bodies can literally crave feeling a certain way simply because that's what it's used to - even if its not really a good feeling/thing.
As we seek to create change, there's alot of rewiring to be done. Things like choosing ourselves, putting ourselves first may seem obvious, but when we've become so familiar with a different way of being - self abandonment, people pleasing, putting others' needs before our own for example, starting to do the opposite is actually quite a challenge. Beyond our consciousness, our bodies are used to what may actually be undesirable - for example feeling undeserving or not worthy enough - so we somehow get comfortable with that familiarity - however unserving that may actually be. As one of my coaches puts it, the body thinks 'well we didn't die today so how we feel must be ok' - even if that 'ok' is actually pretty crappy. It's a survival mechanism. But that place of survival limits our ability to thrive and find a better, more serving way of being.
Saying yes to myself I know on one level is the right, loving thing. But in other ways it feels daring, bold, outrageous even! My body feels a little nauseous and my mind is desperately scattering around trying to convince me and find reasons to backtrack on my decision.
And so I've turned to writing - because getting it all down helps me to see it, understand it, get perspective - and then learn to sit with, look at, reason with, and move through it - knowing that all the 'icky' feelings I am learning to navigate through, are ultimately help me to rebuild something new, find a different way, a more serving way, a deeper depth of love and devotion to myself.
Softly, softly I move through the discomfort, the blocks. Navigating my way towards greater love and light. And always I have to remember to be kind and gentle - taking small steps not great big leaps.
Tomorrow I'm starting a 60 hour training in meditation and mindfulness - and it feels both outrageous and exciting to be giving this to myself!
...Learning to hold space for the paradoxes of life. ️
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